Home / Poems / Suicide Note | A Poem By Charlotte Akello

Suicide Note | A Poem By Charlotte Akello

Maybe life isn’t meant for everyone ~Anonymous
I won’t be around any longer

This thought was birthed when I was fourteen
Stop looking for clues in my gait and my last meal and my eyes and me
This has been growing for over ten years
Just like the way we create monsters in our dreams when we are young
Only that mine keeps growing with me and this time,
It’s ripe.

I have never really lived
Life was bestowed on me before I could even say a single word
And now life bounces like a ball which I see but can’t grasp
A few times, I see a flicker
But I don’t know what it’s like to live.

This life is not mine
I could have gone long ago but I keep myself for others
I don’t want to see people cry over my body
So I hold on…
But for once,
I want to do things for myself
And since I can’t, let me go.

I’m scared of oblivion
But people only remember those who lived
And since I’m yet to live
Maybe it’s not worth it
Don’t cry,
Two days later, you’ll have forgotten.

I love adventure,
I want to see what it’s like that side
I want to see if it’s true that people reincarnate
I want to meet God or gods
I want to float in the sky
I want to be weightless
I want to see through people’s minds
I would live for that.

 You think you know me,
How can you know someone who’s an ocean?
I dive into myself each day and I forget myself
So when I say things like “I’m okay” and you see little traces of a lie,
That’s not me, it’s traces of my dreams drowning in the waves of your eyes.

I am choosing how to die
There’s a lot of uncertainty everywhere
I don’t want my death to be one of them
I fear blood, so I wouldn’t want to die like that
I’ll stay intact;
I’ve already drawn my work plan by the lake shore
I’ll take in some beauty before I let go…
And no, I’m not drowning.

Let’s be honest,
You’ve ever thought about this too;
Don’t be envious that I’m stronger
Maybe I just have a stronger attachment to those who have taken this journey
Let’s just say I’m happy.

Don’t give me flowers;
I’ve never received any
I would like it to remain like that.
Life is hypocrisy.
Don’t give my family gifts/condolences,
I am the only one who can be me for them
But now I gotta be me for me.

We will all follow this path in the end
So why wait
While not living.

See you when you come.

(c) Charlotte

About Praise

Praise Osawaru is a writer, (performance) poet, content developer and entrepreneur-in-training. His works have appeared/forthcoming in African Writer, Black Youth, Kreative Diadem, Ngiga Review, Nantygreens, SprinNG, Praxis Magazine and Writers Space Africa. He was longlisted for African Writers Award 2019 and Shortlisted for The Zi Prize 2019. He enjoys reading books, listening to good music, and binge-watching series on Netflix when he isn't over-worrying about University life. Say hello on Instagram/Twitter: @wordsmithpraise

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